1. |
Still Life
05:39
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Soft as Silk, Cool as Clay-
we’re thrown into a promise kiln
made to break your heart of glass
Like flowers, we all wilt on a winter days,
Our brittle stems get cut too soon to bloom.
Ash to Ash, all too soon.
I heard a sad song in a grocery played over High School Shooting Mourning Shoppers.
The Still Life of bruising fruit cloaked us in its sweet perfume.
We were cracking ourselves up.
Now my voice cracks when they mention you.
I packed a lens, thought it would heal you
If you could see for yourself inside a different light
Focus on the real you.
Push-pinned to walls and taped to mirrors,
meant to be revered: the image of you.
[CUT TO]
Refracted light covering pews
The messes of flown-in friends in borrowed suits
(To leave a glass half-full and a small town gutted)
I’m seeing red through all the blues
White roses bow their stems unto
The image of you, living proof.
I never said I love you, I guess I thought you knew.
Ripples make the waves make the shorelines cave– we all do.
I can’t say I’ve carried the weight in the invisible ways some do.
The taller the mountain, the sweeter the view.
Now I’m walking the bridge in your shoes,
My demons loom and they’re telling me to do it.
Seduced by stunts that seem profound
but don’t end the pain, they just push it around.
My fingers laced a crown/the crowd
wet-faced for birthdays spent uncrowned
Our quiet march to view the image of you.
So, can I get a little noise made in here for my brothers?
One out from the bottle, one out from the bitter.
And can I get little noise made in here for my Mother?
Three boys by herself. Beat hunger, carcinoma.
Some noise made here for my Father?
Brought his chin up, brought himself up, calls to check up Sundays still.
Can we make some noise for each other?
We’ll never fall short as long as we’re reaching.
We’re never alone if there’s two hearts beating.
I see no reason why any should fall victim again to a fools call.
Fall victim again,
If you needed a friend–
Yeah, I still get angry when I feel the void.
I feel shame when I don't feel joy.
So will you please make some noise?
I get embarrassed and I get choked up when I lust for the rope up.
When the fools call lingers on my mind like the pool hall smoke stuck in our clothes.
Sometimes my head hangs so low I could swear that I’m in hell.
So in your wake I volunteer:
Custodian to fear and sorrow, to mine unfading grief for peace.
Through your ghost I see it clear; the silver lining cast along the image of you.
Like shadows cast by bruising fruit,
Stretched behind glass, forever viewed.
Like ash survived by all our action,
The framed still life of—
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2. |
Paint Me Jade
02:33
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Looks like tonight I'm on my own
I've got no right to piss and moan
There is a light that's in your eyes
Reminiscent of my own.
My god,
My face has aged to fit my father's disappointed gaze.
All painted grey,
Like he is today
I'm runnin' outta shit to tell Kayleen.
I can never lay down- I’ve got to be held down
Counting flaws, I count the sheep I herd around
I’m running out of solid ground
But you keep me around like the family hound
I’m down and out
but I'm not in the ground
My god,
My face has aged to fit my fathers anti-adolescent gaze
All I touch just turns away
Would I hang up the crown if it meant that the day
was a frame to be stolen and hidden away?
No more nights spent nailed in place.
(I feel so stretched in many ways)
So paint me jade with dreams washed down the drain
I don't feel the way I'd like to,
this was not the way I planned my life to be.
And I keep greeting you with apologies,
saying 'hey, It's just my life's in disarray'.
I almost dug myself a grave,
I fight the thought off everyday,
but I'm glad you're here to say…
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3. |
Hurts To Laugh
05:16
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A once in a lifetime opportunity
and there’s no telling what you’ll do to me
I’m over the border,
I’m neck-lined in water
And over my shoulder
you’ll always be.
There’s nothing I’m missing
that's worth reminiscing,
I don’t like how much I like it.
Tonights the night
and it’s a high tide of tasteless water.
So raise a glass and drown in it.
It
hurts to laugh at jokes you don’t get.
If I could fix my two left feet, a better son I’d be
.
You told me once you knew me
, now I’m begging you to do it.
It left a bruise,
I choked on the hue
.
I studied the profile, it looked like you.
10 years in a vice, now it’s a
20 dollar sessions for the rest of my life.
It’s a “saccharin-texts-to-dead-friends” depression.
Repenting Science Fiction secret Spotify Sessions.
Horcrux exes, left hexed, thin skin, weak stomach
.
Wondering if other opened letters feel gutted.
There's no easy way to say, but I’ve got to
find a better way to get on, too.
There's something about you that’s gone rotten
So you go your way, and
I’ll act like I forgot
.
There’s no easy way to say but I’ve got to
find a better way to hold onto
a part of myself that I loved that I’ve lost.
So you go your way, and
I’ll act like I forgot mine
.
I’ll shed my bandage and I’ll show you where the brand is.
Wish I could say that I don’t mind it that I’m out and free and clear.
A lot of salt behind the tears,
A hate still ringing in my ears,
I
t’s tough to roll with punches when they’re landing on the mirror,
Old habits die hard.
Yeah, It’s all so hard to hear.
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4. |
Guilt Like A Gun
03:47
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Told all of our friends about the news
Drove through Indiana unamused
by the two black dogs playing catch with the cars
on the dirt road, small town.
It should be a moment
Yeah, it should be a memory.
It’s just close quarters and loose-change jangling.
I can’t tell if I’ve got the right to be angry
when the world’s just passing us by
and inside nothings changing.
Feels like nothing ever changes these days.
The shoulders got colder as we go through
,
all the things I held grey-blued.
The future’s getting harder to find these days
and the past is harder to get to.
Your anger is an arrow; My Frustration is a wall
.
One will strike you down and one divides us all.
People are strange.
I’m estranged.
I’m a stranger.
And that’s another thing that’s gonna have to change.
It feels like nothing ever changes.
Spoken:
[It should be a moment of surreal peace and unity if it weren’t for the don’t-snap-at-me bickering and tension. It’s sad that it always gets this way. I’ve found myself screaming at strangers in invented situations in my head, and searching:
-Who signs first on behalf of a group?
-Separation anxiety
-Youngest sibling depression
-How to mediate group discussions
-Imposter syndrome
-And Net v Gross]
You held your guilt like a gun,
But what are you running away from?
You’d shoot a glare at the sun
And blame your closed eyes on the sunlight
Shooting stars in the daylight will make you stare at the sun
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5. |
Short Term
00:28
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For the phone calls that I won’t get to ignore
Rest your claustrophobia I’s-
They’re desperate to find their consonance
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6. |
Long Term
04:30
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There’s a Monarch stuck in the grill of your sedan
and an Atlas moth tucked in your waistband
.
We’re doing the rain dance, wishing we were famous
Both take their payments, so keep cupping your hands.
I’m not alone but lonely
, I thought you’d never ask
.
You left the pines of your home for the palm trees
Now you pine for the palms of your friends
(Branching, Bowing, Bent)
Now nobody kicks me when I’m up
or drags me down
Fuck ‘em all
.
Look how young we’ll always be!
We’ll never tell how old it’s been getting.
We’re like painted frost on plastic trees
-
Just chilling, How about you?
It’s three blocks to your new spot, but I never see you.
If Summer never slept I’d still Fall for you
I’d swim all the C’s in succinct– that’s Long-Term Abuse.
(Saved but never spent)
And nobody saw me get back up after you left town.
You euthanized my will to fight and understand.
The leash outlives it’s dog
You’re tattooed into my waistband.
Gaslit by your own lamplighter.
The happy medium predicts he’s a fucking liar
I’m not afraid
to be alone.
I’m not ashamed
to be consoled.
You say this isn’t what you paid for and you’re right
,
But that’s not the point, cuz someone somewhere tied your cape too tight.
I’ve walked umbrella-less through the nights it was raining to find:
-The brightest parts of life are in living
-There isn’t anything I wanna keep hidden
-True friends are hard find
.
So black umbrellas go up and it’s raining,
we’re gonna let you down.
I wouldn't mourn it if it wasn't worth saving,
I’m gonna watch you drown.
To the phone calls that I won’t get to ignore:
Rest your Claustrophobia I’s
They’re desperate to find their consonants.
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7. |
Freer
02:57
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You lit me up like a firework
I stuck myself inside of a can
Like a man, I thought I was the mortar.
We were standing lakeside,
bathed in the red of CVS lights.
I’m sure that someone’s got a photo of us on that night.
Under fireworks,
I stuck myself inside of a can.
What a man, I thought.
I was a martyr.
We were learning lip slides late into those August nights
Sweat and Jackie’s on our brows, a sweetness not yet soured
by the orange glow,
The things it had to know,
The rent that we now owe,
And an insatiable need to be
Wherever, whenever.
You had me up on the wirework,
I stuffed myself up with “I can’s”
and the grandstand all chanted “higher”.
Yeah, it all went slipping’ from my grasp,
our matching caskets smashed
‘Star 51 ’unfastened from the ragged flag
Under fireworks,
I stuck myself inside of a can
Like a man, I thought I was a martyr
Red letter days at stateside homes
I’ll say it even if you won’t-
When we’re out having drinks we’re playing hide-and-go-seek with ourselves.
I’m Just trying to be
whatever it means
to be Freer.
Under an orange glow,
sweet autumn only knows Chicago
.
Like rents un-payable
and your fist through the wall
,
and the insatiable need to be.
Under the heavy glow of things it had to know.
The rent that we now owe
And an insatiable need to be
Wherever, whenever.
An insatiable need to be.
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8. |
Trophy Deer
02:52
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Hey man–
think you hold my jacket?
I think I wanna dance tonight.
But find me before you go
,
I don’t wanna ride home alone.
I was the new kid in a rich town
, not a lot of friends around
.
But I found
the only other one in the neighborhood
,
Our bond was unbreakable.
Some people change but we won’t-
Be everything we could be
‘Cuz the pact that we made
fit like cement shoes that looked good in our youth
.
But the waters up to our necks now
, we gotta get out.
I don’t wanna be a souvenir.
Got my own way to go,
and I hope I see you there
when the smoke clears
The inside jokes
in new inner circles
outside our old haunts
made an outsider out of me.
I saw how much it lit you up
to beat me down
.
You fly me like a fighter kite
.
I wish you’d cut my line and make it right
.
But, I’m the crutch and I’m the sprain–
it’s a complex duality.
There’s poison in the words you use.
I grew up excluded and you press on the bruise.
There’s a breeze I feel within me
,
and it’s taking me to places that you’d never believe.
But I won’t be everything that I could be.
And I won’t be everything that I should.
I don’t wanna be a souvenir
I’ve got my own way to go
and I hope I see you there
.
I don’t wanna be your trophy deer
Let go my rein and I’d remain
I don’t wanna be your souvenir.
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9. |
Recurring (I)
04:53
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Rest in the way that you find grace.
Like candles in the wind- we’ll fade.
We’re fain to light the way with our mistakes,
but rest in the way that you find grace.
Arrested at age 14
,
stupid drunk and out too late
.
I said ‘I’ll go
’
Mom said ‘wait
’.
Love is not the way
to keep someone captive.
Friendship’s not a collar leashing mercy to a master
but in the turn of the page
,
In the drag of a cigarette
,
In the hum of the planes.
You find grace.
What hasn’t been done
What hasn’t been said
My tongue’s caught in a hesitant safety net
.
In the back of my head
I hear quartets of dread singing hymns of the guilt choir.
In the waltz of my days
I danced through false shortcuts
The tinctures cut with lavender
–
I was Aced by a King that couldn’t call a Spade what it is.
And In the deep of my sleep,
The pine trees are like saw teeth
tearing up the love letter penned from
setting sun
to starless night.
I had that dream again.
Where I can’t get up
and you can’t get in
and the flames all start to lap at the corners of my bed
.
The imminent collapse,
your laugh
,
the nightmares that our actions project.
What can’t be undone
What can’t be unsaid
My tongues caught in a hesitant safety net.
And in the back of my head
the truth is written in a shorthand that I can’t read yet.
Was I a chambermaid for shame?
Made to clean the wax off from your wane?
A sinking city set ablaze,
I was bombed by thinking part of you could change.
I’ll never fade.
The way that I felt then
is still the way I feel today
.
It’s still the same,
The same old song I sing,
I’ll sing it to the grave.
And when I die
,
they’ll burn my bones to ash
and they’ll sing Amazing Grace.
And when you die
,
they’ll bury you with all that money that you saved
and hold their noses pouring concrete on your grave.
I’m not ashamed to live and I’m not afraid to die.
That song I sing will harmonize:
The world of which we were born into is not the one we’ll leave behind.
Rest in the way that you find grace.
—
In the lucent light of morning we sit quiet in your car
I draw your lifeline on a napkin, tell me when I've gone too far
We can’t expect to change the things we’re too afraid to face
If all I say is ‘sorry’ and all that you can say is ‘thanks’
I never meant to hurt the one that chain-stitched both our names
my red initials swooping gracefully across your green
Pain is ever-present, that's the hand that we’re all dealt.
But in each moment recurring there is meaning in what's felt.
You were here
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10. |
The Stray
03:31
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Hold me like a bouquet bound to be thrown over your shoulder
Spit my name out like a dog that needs to be put down
Dance in my light
Dig your heels in my spine
I’m upright now (Amour Propre)
To know you is to kneel.
A rest that wasn’t real.
I’m up right now (Vive Ta Misere)
But I know you
And you need it bad.
Found your fix, but you can’t quite grip it
Control’s a drug that you can’t quit.
You’re lost and losing it.
Nothing feels right
Apprehension
Skin feels shrunken
too much tension
When feet swing over the wall
and heels dig into the earth
There will be no more running from ourselves.
The trailing haunt of malaise is there in the narrow gaze of the stray I became.
I know you
And you need it bad
Found you fix but you can’t quite grip it
Control’s the drug that you can’t quit
You’re lost and losing it.
I’ll miss the pull
of the prongs
in my collar,
and how that felt like someone cared
to keep from what I wanted, me.
We writhe from want and grow from need.
But there’ll be no-one to blame
when I’m out of the way
and the demon drowning well has dried.
If having grip of the rein
is what you need to keep sane
Canter frenetic to a shallow, shameful grave.
I don’t believe in constellations even when my stars align.
Luck is made with good intention, love and grace.
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KALI MASI Chicago, Illinois
Kali Masi is an American punk rock band from Chicago. They've been heavily touring and self-promoting for the last 6 years; steadily evolving the heavy, emotive, and urgent sound found on their 2017 LP 'WIND INSTRUMENT' and the much anticipated 2021 followup '[laughs]' ... more
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